So, I overheard a conversation between my landlord and the lady living in room 94 on my way to check the mail and they were talking about that little dead girl I found awhile back. Apparently she had a few siblings who also died at the same age, six. Isn't that hilarious?! I nearly died trying to contain my laughter until I made it to the elevator. If I had been in private I would have laughed freely, but most the people around these parts don't seem to share the same sense of humor as I, apparently my jokes are too offensive (Dunno why, though :/).
But, anyway, when I finally reached my mailbox I was surprised to find that someone had written a letter for little 'ol me! It had been such a long time since I'd gotten a hand written letter that I had to do a little dance. It's contents were a little strange, so let me type 'em for ya.
Dear Hemson,
I was wondering if you'd like to sing a soung with me? If not, I'm sure I'd be able to find someone else who would be happy to listen.
If so, meet me at little Tokyo Monday at 3. I'll be at the booth under the front window.
--P.J.
Now to most this probably sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook, but I can assure you all that it was anything but! In fact this was a challenge of sorts, a delicious provocation that I would be happy to step up to. This my sweet readers, was black mail! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
After checking my watch and realizing I had only 20 minutes to meet my lovely blackmailer, I ran back up to my apartment pulling on my trench coat and grabbing some extra supplies (if you're gonna tango you gotta bring your dancin' shoes, right?) before saying goodbye to my Flim Flam.
My mysterious buddy had already been seated at the booth when I arrived (soaked to the bone I might add, I had considered using my umbrella, but running in the rain is always a treat for me), swirling her straw around in a glass of ice water. She was a cute little thing, despite her tired and stressed face. Well, I mean I guess she was cute, I'm not a very good judge of attractiveness.
My first thing I said was, "Hiya!" followed by, "What's your name? Since you already know mine!"
She didn't say anything, so I assume she probably didn't want me to know anything about her, but no one can keep information from the great adventurer, Hemson for long!
We just sort of stared at each other for a few minutes before I decided to speed things up. "So, you're blackmailing me yeah? I can't let info like that go unchecked, so here I am! But, what is it you want, huh? You must want something, or else you wouldn't have called me out here. Is it information? You wanna know something? I'd love to tell you something! You do want to know something right? I bet it's about that dead girl! Oh! I've got a picture on my phone here let me-"
"No!" was the first thing that came out of her mouth, which was a little disappointing, since I haven't had anyone to share that picture with besides my Flimmy. "I don't want to see a dead child."
We sat in silence again and it was really awkward to be honest before she summoned up the courage to speak again. "Your girlfriend."
I had thought I'd heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it, but it turns out I had been right.
"I want to hear about your girlfriend."
I felt sort of blindsided. Why would anyone want to know about my romantic life? I don't even know about my romantic life! I'm thirty-six and I still don't know or care about my sexual orientation, I don't really even know how that sort of thing works. I've just never had the time nor drive to consider it. So, naturally I just assumed she was speaking about my female friends in a platonic sense.
"Well, I had this one friend from a long time ago who worked at a Beauty Supply store and sold some of her husband's product on the side."
Instead of being incredulous about me befriending a drug dealer, she seemed to focus on all the wrong things. "You were with a married woman?!"
"Wait, so you actually were talking about romantic partners?"
She started to get really frustrated at this point and I grew even more uncomfortable.
"What else would I be talking about?!"
"I'm sorry lady, but I don't really follow you. Why would you wanna know about that?"
She stood at that, looking about ready to just leave. I was fine with that too, this whole encounter had been way too weird, I was more than ready for it to be over. Although, I couldn't let her go without setting a few things straight.
Firstly, I reached into her purse, pulling out a worse-for-wear wallet, shoving it in my back pocket. Now, before you all start jumping to conclusions, I'm not some sort of morally disabled vagabond, but I couldn't simply let my blackmailer go on unnamed.
"Wait a sec, lady."
She turned back around, looking annoyed and unimpressed. Gosh golly, do youngsters these days always gotta look so mad?
"You're not gonna tell anyone about what you found out, yeah?"
"Dunno," she frowned crossing her arms. "It's not like you gave me any inclination not to."
"Aw, sweetheart that wasn't a question!" I laughed, whipping out my cute little .357 Magnum Revolver (oh, my God let me tell you, it's ADORABLE. I painted a goldfish on the grip and I just love it (>u<) ) and held it in the most non-threatening position one can hold a gun without pointing out at themselves. She froze up immediately, glancing around the restaurant.
"You wouldn't kill me he-"
"Of course not," the cylinder tumbled open, revealing the empty chambers. "this isn't even loaded. I'm just saying if word gets out about me, I might have to, y'know. Pew pew!"
After that draining fiasco, I hurried back home. As charming as I find this place, encounters like that are what remind me that I'm not actually in heaven.
Just before I entered my building, there painted on the wall to the right of the double doors were bright orange music notes. Well, isn't that just a perfect circle? This place is just too funny!
Until next my next adventure!
\(ouo)
She didn't say anything, so I assume she probably didn't want me to know anything about her, but no one can keep information from the great adventurer, Hemson for long!
We just sort of stared at each other for a few minutes before I decided to speed things up. "So, you're blackmailing me yeah? I can't let info like that go unchecked, so here I am! But, what is it you want, huh? You must want something, or else you wouldn't have called me out here. Is it information? You wanna know something? I'd love to tell you something! You do want to know something right? I bet it's about that dead girl! Oh! I've got a picture on my phone here let me-"
"No!" was the first thing that came out of her mouth, which was a little disappointing, since I haven't had anyone to share that picture with besides my Flimmy. "I don't want to see a dead child."
We sat in silence again and it was really awkward to be honest before she summoned up the courage to speak again. "Your girlfriend."
I had thought I'd heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it, but it turns out I had been right.
"I want to hear about your girlfriend."
I felt sort of blindsided. Why would anyone want to know about my romantic life? I don't even know about my romantic life! I'm thirty-six and I still don't know or care about my sexual orientation, I don't really even know how that sort of thing works. I've just never had the time nor drive to consider it. So, naturally I just assumed she was speaking about my female friends in a platonic sense.
"Well, I had this one friend from a long time ago who worked at a Beauty Supply store and sold some of her husband's product on the side."
Instead of being incredulous about me befriending a drug dealer, she seemed to focus on all the wrong things. "You were with a married woman?!"
"Wait, so you actually were talking about romantic partners?"
She started to get really frustrated at this point and I grew even more uncomfortable.
"What else would I be talking about?!"
"I'm sorry lady, but I don't really follow you. Why would you wanna know about that?"
She stood at that, looking about ready to just leave. I was fine with that too, this whole encounter had been way too weird, I was more than ready for it to be over. Although, I couldn't let her go without setting a few things straight.
Firstly, I reached into her purse, pulling out a worse-for-wear wallet, shoving it in my back pocket. Now, before you all start jumping to conclusions, I'm not some sort of morally disabled vagabond, but I couldn't simply let my blackmailer go on unnamed.
"Wait a sec, lady."
She turned back around, looking annoyed and unimpressed. Gosh golly, do youngsters these days always gotta look so mad?
"You're not gonna tell anyone about what you found out, yeah?"
"Dunno," she frowned crossing her arms. "It's not like you gave me any inclination not to."
"Aw, sweetheart that wasn't a question!" I laughed, whipping out my cute little .357 Magnum Revolver (oh, my God let me tell you, it's ADORABLE. I painted a goldfish on the grip and I just love it (>u<) ) and held it in the most non-threatening position one can hold a gun without pointing out at themselves. She froze up immediately, glancing around the restaurant.
"You wouldn't kill me he-"
"Of course not," the cylinder tumbled open, revealing the empty chambers. "this isn't even loaded. I'm just saying if word gets out about me, I might have to, y'know. Pew pew!"
After that draining fiasco, I hurried back home. As charming as I find this place, encounters like that are what remind me that I'm not actually in heaven.
Just before I entered my building, there painted on the wall to the right of the double doors were bright orange music notes. Well, isn't that just a perfect circle? This place is just too funny!
Until next my next adventure!
\(ouo)
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