Thursday, April 14, 2016

Adventure 4: The Quest to Save Flimmy!

I thought it couldn't get any worse than that time at the dog park, but today I'm here to say that I was wrong! Dead wrong! You wouldn't believe what a horrible day it's been for me, boys, girls, and other!
So, at around 10 AM I had noticed while I was working at my desk that it was rather hot. This seemed especially strange to me since, y'know it's mid-October and I always have my thermostat at 60 degrees since Flimmy likes it cool. Though there had been nothing wrong with my thermostat which was indeed still at 60, so I paid a visit to my beautiful and perfect Land Lord who said the AC was broken! D:
This immediately had me in a blind panic, because I can't have my Flim-Flam in a boiling hot tank!!! Luckily, I'm always prepared for such emergencies and put her in her portable fish bowl and grabbed her stroller out of my closet. It was at that point I decided I had had to search for a cooler environment for my lady love.
Therefore, I left my apartment in the dust, prepared to journey high and low for the perfect climate. Though, that is where things went from horrible to extra horrible. The moment I stepped onto the pavement outside of my complex my shoe made and odd cross between a splash and a squish. Sort of similar to the sound of stepping in a puddle of blood, however this was much, much worse. I recoiled at once, looking down at my freshly polished, premium leather Johnson and Murphy shoes, only to find them SPLATTERED with neon blue paint!
Now, I could say that I hate messes, but that is certainly untrue. In fact, I love making messes it's a very adventurous sort of thing to do, you must all understand, but I DON'T like being a mess. If I were to make a mess it would be one that another person would have to clean up. Or make a mess OF another person. (Hmm, that's a funny little thought isn't it? xD )
Well, all the same, cleanliness is closest to Godliness and having paint covered shoes is most certainly not Godly! There was nothing to do however, I had to continue on for my Flimmy's sake!
So, down the street I walked, squishidy-squelching neon paint upon every surface I walked on. I noticed that there was paint of all sorts everywhere, all over the ground. I even walked past a large paint can that was laying in the center of Broadburn Way, just in front of the All Mart. I glared at it for good measure before I entered the store.
Now, you lovelies may be wondering why I was going to All Mart, but you see, the grocery section of All Mart is almost EXACTLY 60 degrees Fahrenheit which is the perfect temperature for Flimmy. So, there I stood in the produce section of All Mart with Flim-Flam strapped into her stroller.

It took about 5 minutes for me to get bored.

I had noticed a bit after my leaving my apartment, that someone had been following me just about the entire time. I'd been too busy with my little miss to worry about some geek following me. But, perhaps they'd be able to alleviate my boredom?
He was just some guy in a trench coat, but when I approach he looked surprised for a sec before bolting. Now that's pretty rude wouldn't you all say? You can't just follow someone all around town and then not even grace them with the courtesy of greeting them!
I grabbed Flimmy's stroller and gave chase, heading all the way out the store and onto the still horribly splattered streets. From there on we played a little game of cat-and-mouse, with my brand-new buddy ducking into side streets and climbing up fire escapes in an attempt to evade me.
But no adversary can evade The Most Adventurous of Adventurers, Hemmy for long! After all, I was once not so long ago, the most impressive-
Woopsie! Hahaha, look at me almost losing myself like that! I always forget that some you cuties could be something besides an avid fan! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Well anyway, my mysterious friend ended up cornered at the back of Devil's Gate bookstore on Baker St. and in his last desperate motion he reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun! Of all things! I was a bit disappointed in all honesty, because not only was he not pulling out a gift or something similarly pleasing, but he pulls out an UGLY gun! It was just a Model 92 Beretta. 
I mean really, if you're going to carry a firearm, then you ought to at least carry something more stylish than a police issue firearm. The woman behind the counter seemed to be in agreement with my opinion of the man's gun as she screamed at it's hideousness.
I nodded in agreement, making a sort of  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ motion in her direction, which only seemed to make her scream louder for whatever reason (and I will admit I was mildly hurt (TT 3TT) ).
The man started to yell about how he was going to shoot me if I didn't move out of his way, which I was wondering why he bothered to say that, since it was obvious he would shoot me if he pulled out a gun and I stood in his way. Like, duh.
From there on things happened sort of quickly. I grabbed a dictionary from the shelf to my right, pushing Flimmy's stroller behind the shelf and out of the the way of danger, while both of the people in the shop continued to scream. I would've just pulled out my adorable little revolver (maybe the guy could use it as a reference for a more fashionable piece), but after my run-in with that grumpy-guss, Officer Jones, I thought it might be best to avoid waving around my gun for now. I tried to ask the Mister why he'd been following me, but I don't think he could hear me over himself. At that point, I realized I wasn't going to get anything interesting from him and chucked my dictionary as hard as I could in his direction. It connected with his temple nicely if I do say so myself, and he crumpled to the ground in a dead faint.
Noooooooooooooooow, I COULD say that the reason why I got out of this whole encounter without a hole in my chest was because the raw and astounding power of my adventurous spirit overwhelmed the evil baddie who tried to attack me. But, I am far too realistic to say that was (entirely) the case. So, that leads me to wonder if that big baddie with a government issue gun ever planned to shoot me in the first place.

Well, that's something to contemplate another day, I suppose. 

After that big party, I hippidty-hopped my way home (after checking the pockets of Mr. Dead Faint) with Flim-Flam in her stroller and returned to an apartment with newly and fully functioning AC.
I will admit that it wasn't the most wonderful day, with me having to discard my favorite pair of shoes and slacks, but it certainly was adventurous! And I can say one thing; Even if I hate reading 'em, books really ARE the best weapons in the world! XD
Until my next adventure!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Adventure 3: Officer Jones

Collingwood Police Department
Collingwood, **
Incident Suppliment #9003451 - 1
Report Entered: 10/14/2015 1:52:50

Not for Public Release
Case Title

Role Name                                 Sex                      Age              Race
     JEREAU, JENNIFER              FEMALE            42                CAUCASIAN

Name                                          Sex                      Age              Race
     TENTHS, HEMSON                MALE                36                 ASIAN, CAUCASIAN


On October 14, 2015 at approximately 3:27 pm, I Officer Jones #208 responded to an ECC broadcast for a concealed weapon at Little Tokyo. When I arrived the suspect (6"3, 30-year-old male of possibly Asian descent) had already fled the scene, returning to his apartment at Collingwood Heights. I proceeded to go to his apartment and was invited in and offered a drink. I declined and informed Tenths that he was suspected of carrying a concealed weapon and threatening another person with said weapon.
We were momentarily distracted by a young lady falling off of her apartment balcony, however a bystander called an ambulance shortly after and the incident was dealt with without much hassle.
He confirmed the claims, producing a .357 Magnum Revolver (with a goldfish painted on the grip) and also stated the name of the person (Piper Jardin) he was threatening. When I asked for him to accompany me to the Police Station he laughed for a good seven minutes, but without any resistance.
Upon arrival the suspect asked if I would like to see his license to carry a firearm. I questioned as to why he did not mention that he had a license before hand and he replied that he enjoyed my company and had wanted to remain in it a bit longer. He produced his license from his wallet, proving that he was legally able to carry a concealed weapon.
However the license was under the name of ****** ***** which he explained was because he had changed his name before moving to Collingwood Heights. After searching the name ****** ****** I found him involved in multiple accounts of fraud and embezzlement however nothing in relation to assault or threatening.
He spoke quite constantly for the entirety of his time in our city's holding cell and started seven arguments between other prisoners, goading them into fighting one another. Again, he was never involved in any of the violence, but simply watched.
He was released from the cell on October 15, 2015 at approximately 10:39 am after the other people within the cell asked for him to be released and his charges were dropped after Jardin failed to prove any of the claims against Tenths.

My suggestion to whomever is reading this report is that close eyes should be kept on this man as he not only started multiple altercations out of boredom, but also mentioned other violent incidents that occurred around town with more vigor than is certainly normal.
I had considered telling you all this hilarious story from my own perspective, but I feel like Officer Jones covered all the bases quite nicely! TaTa, my lovelies!
Until my next adventure!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Adventure 2: Typos

Wowwie zowwie, this town is a real fun house, I gotta tell ya'll!
So, I overheard a conversation between my landlord and the lady living in room 94 on my way to check the mail and they were talking about that little dead girl I found awhile back. Apparently she had a few siblings who also died at the same age, six. Isn't that hilarious?! I nearly died trying to contain my laughter until I made it to the elevator. If I had been in private I would have laughed freely, but most the people around these parts don't seem to share the same sense of humor as I, apparently my jokes are too offensive (Dunno why, though :/).
But, anyway, when I finally reached my mailbox I was surprised to find that someone had written a letter for little 'ol me! It had been such a long time since I'd gotten a hand written letter that I had to do a little dance. It's contents were a little strange, so let me type 'em for ya.

Dear Hemson,
I was wondering if you'd like to sing a soung with me? If not, I'm sure I'd be able to find someone else who would be happy to listen.
If so, meet me at little Tokyo Monday at 3. I'll be at the booth under the front window.

Now to most this probably sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook, but I can assure you all that it was anything but! In fact this was a challenge of sorts, a delicious provocation that I would be happy to step up to. This my sweet readers, was black mail! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
After checking my watch and realizing I had only 20 minutes to meet my lovely blackmailer, I ran back up to my apartment pulling on my trench coat and grabbing some extra supplies (if you're gonna tango you gotta bring your dancin' shoes, right?) before saying goodbye to my Flim Flam.
My mysterious buddy had already been seated at the booth when I arrived (soaked to the bone I might add, I had considered using my umbrella, but running in the rain is always a treat for me), swirling her straw around in a glass of ice water. She was a cute little thing, despite her tired and stressed face. Well, I mean I guess she was cute, I'm not a very good judge of attractiveness.
My first thing I said was, "Hiya!" followed by, "What's your name? Since you already know mine!"
She didn't say anything, so I assume she probably didn't want me to know anything about her, but no one can keep information from the great adventurer, Hemson for long!
We just sort of stared at each other for a few minutes before I decided to speed things up. "So, you're blackmailing me yeah? I can't let info like that go unchecked, so here I am! But, what is it you want, huh? You must want something, or else you wouldn't have called me out here. Is it information? You wanna know something? I'd love to tell you something! You do want to know something right? I bet it's about that dead girl! Oh! I've got a picture on my phone here let me-"
"No!" was the first thing that came out of her mouth, which was a little disappointing, since I haven't had anyone to share that picture with besides my Flimmy. "I don't want to see a dead child."
We sat in silence again and it was really awkward to be honest before she summoned up the courage to speak again. "Your girlfriend."
I had thought I'd heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it, but it turns out I had been right.
"I want to hear about your girlfriend."
I felt sort of blindsided. Why would anyone want to know about my romantic life? I don't even know about my romantic life! I'm thirty-six and I still don't know or care about my sexual orientation, I don't really even know how that sort of thing works. I've just never had the time nor drive to consider it. So, naturally I just assumed she was speaking about my female friends in a platonic sense.
"Well, I had this one friend from a long time ago who worked at a Beauty Supply store and sold some of her husband's product on the side."
Instead of being incredulous about me befriending a drug dealer, she seemed to focus on all the wrong things. "You were with a married woman?!"
"Wait, so you actually were talking about romantic partners?"
She started to get really frustrated at this point and I grew even more uncomfortable.
"What else would I be talking about?!"
"I'm sorry lady, but I don't really follow you. Why would you wanna know about that?"
She stood at that, looking about ready to just leave. I was fine with that too, this whole encounter had been way too weird, I was more than ready for it to be over. Although, I couldn't let her go without setting a few things straight.
Firstly, I reached into her purse, pulling out a worse-for-wear wallet, shoving it in my back pocket. Now, before you all start jumping to conclusions, I'm not some sort of morally disabled vagabond, but I couldn't simply let my blackmailer go on unnamed.
"Wait a sec, lady."
She turned back around, looking annoyed and unimpressed. Gosh golly, do youngsters these days always gotta look so mad?
"You're not gonna tell anyone about what you found out, yeah?"
"Dunno," she frowned crossing her arms. "It's not like you gave me any inclination not to."
"Aw, sweetheart that wasn't a question!" I laughed, whipping out my cute little .357 Magnum Revolver (oh, my God let me tell you, it's ADORABLE. I painted a goldfish on the grip and I just love it (>u<) ) and held it in the most non-threatening position one can hold a gun without pointing out at themselves.  She froze up immediately, glancing around the restaurant.
"You wouldn't kill me he-"
"Of course not," the cylinder tumbled open, revealing the empty chambers. "this isn't even loaded. I'm just saying if word gets out about me, I might have to, y'know. Pew pew!"
After that draining fiasco, I hurried back home. As charming as I find this place, encounters like that are what remind me that I'm not actually in heaven.
Just before I entered my building, there painted on the wall to the right of the double doors were bright orange music notes. Well, isn't that just a perfect circle? This place is just too funny!
Until next my next adventure!

Friday, September 4, 2015

Adventure 1: Alert! Alert! Alert!

Alert! Alert! Alert!
Crazy things happened today! I'm currently sitting in an internet cafe, I simply couldn't wait until I got home to tell you cutie-pies this marvelous, merry message!
So, this morning, I was admittedly very grumpy. Today is a particularly action-packed day for my wonderful little town. Not ONLY was there a Lunar Eclipse at 1:03 this morning (which I sadly missed because I was talking to my adorable little Flim Flam ;^; ), but there was also a fundraiser for the little dead girl displaying local bands and there was even a dog festival at the dog park next to the lake.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "Hemmy-Hemson, why on earth would you be grumpy on a exciting day like that?!"
Oh, it must seem strange I realize, but in all honesty, everything I dislike had decided to congregate in my town on that very morning! You see, I've never been much fond of music, in all truthfulness, the only type of music I find tolerable is Swing and only because I can easily dance to it. So, you must be able to imagine how I would feel about local, amateur artists performing at full volume from 10:00 in the morning to 2:00 at night.
I had to escape the horrible noise that was emanating from my balcony window. Therefore, I decided to have another little adventure, it had been three days since finding that corpse at the lake and I was raring to find more. So, off to the lake I went, skipping down Baker St. in my eagerness for more thrills and chills!
But, that was when I encountered yet another thing that I've never been fond of. Upon reaching the field near the edge of the lake, my ears were assaulted with a chorus of barks and yips that nearly made me shriek in terror (alright, so maybe a bit more than NEARLY) and run for cover. I finally noticed the abundance of people surrounding me. Now, this would not normally bother me as I consider myself a rather gregarious person, but these were not normal people milling about the grassy field before me. These people were armed to the nines with the slobbering, growling, 'domesticated' creatures that people commonly refer to as dogs.
For fear of my life I hid, jumping into a nearby bush hoping it would cover me enough to leave me inconspicuous. Looking back on it now, I must have looked rather silly, a 6"4, 187 lb, middle-aged man crouched inside some bushes. Luckily people's attention were elsewhere.
Now, my day may not have started particularly well, but it certainly ended with a 'Bang!' or perhaps I should say a 'Crackle!' that's essentially what burning flesh and bones sounds like; a series of pops and crackles.
"Now what is our silly Hemson talking about now?" you're most certainly thinking. "He couldn't have possibly encountered something as exciting as a man being burned alive on only his second adventure in this town! The idea is preposterous!"
The idea is indeed preposterous, my sweet readers of little faith, but that is exactly what happened! I must say that the balloon man being lit aflame was actually my saving grace (Haha! Isn't that a hilarious sentence?!) as it forced all the people and their heinous little pets to vacate the premises and allowed me the chance to escape my bush. After that I continued my journey to the lake, but not before snapping a quick photo of our fleeing arson for a little bit of fun if I ever happen to encounter him later. (Though as I said in my last post, if you'd like a little EXTRA info I'd be willing to exchange for some info of equal value ;D)
The lake wasn't as interesting as I'd hoped and it certainly wasn't as interesting as seeing a balloon man burned alive. The only person there in fact was a young lady who was walking along the edge of the shore, red eyes surveying the waves as she whispered something continuously under her breath.
I approached her to tell her that the dog park would most probably be blocked off for the rest of the day. To be truthful, I was kinda hoping she would inquire as to why so I could tell her all about the super awesome thing I'd just witnessed. But, she did no such thing simply nodding with a slightly annoyed expression. Hah, youngsters are so angsty these days!
After leaving the lake I made a beeline to where I am now, to type up this super duper story for all of lovelies. This town just keeps getting better and better don't you think?! First a drowning and now a burning. I simply can't wait to be fully encompassed in the humming adventure that makes this place so beautiful. So, hasta la vista, babies!
Until my next adventure!

Monday, August 10, 2015

Adventure 0: The day started with...

Darkness! The day started with darkness.
Mostly because it wasn't day yet. Not for most people anyway. As far as I'm concerned it's always daytime for me! Well, I mean, for me it's day time when I'm awake, dark or otherwise.
The point is, I was awake at an odd time, 2:00 AM if you'd like specifics (which you should, what's the point of a story without specifics, right? :D), wandering around the lovely city I'd moved into recently.
Now, at this point, you're probably thinking, 'Hemson! You silly McSillington, what are you doing walking the dark and dangerous streets at two in the morning?!'
And since I am a kind and understanding newbie blogger, I happily reply to you, ADVENTURE, my dearest! Discovery in its purest form! Immersing myself in unfamiliar surroundings and enjoying the dizzying vertigo that we all feel upon realizing we are lost!
You see, I liken myself an explorer these days, so you must agree that an avid swashbuckler like moi must familiarize himself with the magical town he'd moved into only two nights ago.
So, I decided at 1:49 AM after a lengthy discussion with my lady love (who also happens to be my profile picture) Flim Flam, to introduce myself to this mystical town that I have the pleasure of calling my home. I pulled on my trench coat and hopped out the door of the 92nd apartment in my complex to make my big debut as Collingwood Heights' resident adventurer!
And what a debut it was! The first thing I did once finally submerged in the refreshing night air, naturally, was scream to the heavens, "Hello World! Hemson Tenths is here to stay!"
To which someone replied with, "Shut the -bleepidtybeep- up!"
I laughed of course, waving in the direction from where I had heard the voice before setting off on my journey down Stanley Rd, eventually turning right onto Baker's St, which I had overheard lead to a charming little lake.
But, charming was not on the menu tonight, dear readers. Nay! Instead of strolling upon the domestic but always pleasurable sight of a calm body of water in the glittering moonlight, I found my self at the scene of a crime! You must be able to imagine my reaction, yes?
Oh, as saddening of a sight as a dead child could be, I couldn't help but jump for joy at the blaring signs of ADVENTURE! Could you imagine a more beautiful and exciting welcome to a brand new town? I think not! Not to mention, I was the first one to see it, besides the Big Bad killer him/herself!
After my exclamation of surprise and excitement, I pulled out my phone preparing to tell bestest of all besties (I'd tell you his name, but that'd defeat the purpose of why I moved here T-T) of this super awesome news! But, upon tapping open my empty contacts list I belatedly realized that I could not tell my bestest of all besties this super awesome news. In fact, I cannot tell my bestest of all besties even slightly awesome news.
I can never speak to him again.
But, after finally recovering from my Debby Downers, I thought to myself, 'Who am I to tell this super awesome news?!"
After all, one cannot keep such valuable information to himself! It would be a selfish deed to remain silent about an event of this magnitude! I would know, because there's only one thing I love more than adventure (besides my little miss Flim Flam) and that's sharing info.
And then the idea struck me like lightening, nearly sending me careening to the ground in my sudden bolt of genius. I could hippity hop myself onto the internet and tell any and all of this beautiful encounter I've happened upon!
Which leads me to where I currently am, typing up this most interesting event to share with you lovelies. And, while some of you are most probably scratching your noggins in confusion as to why I would ever think this news would be of any interest or relevance to you, I can happily say that the right people (you know who you are ;D) will get this info and know just what to do with it! And if you do happen to be one of those people and you're interested in hearing the details of this little escapade of mine, feel free to just ask and y'know maybe be ready to share a couple little tidbits of info of your own.
So, as I listen to the bangity thumpites of the reconstruction happening two floors above my apartment, I bid you good bye.
Until my next adventure!